The Vast Valet Conspiracy

For those random readers out there that don’t really know me (do you exist?), I live in Houston. (Don’t try to stalk me, because Ripken might look cute & cuddly in his photos, but he’d tear you’re eyes out if you came after his mom…ok, more like drown you in slobber from his continuous licks, but whatev---the end result is the same…gruesome death). Anyway, the thing about Houston is this: Everyone loves their cars. Experiments in mass transit have largely failed, because no one wants to be separated from their car. I’m no different in this respect. Having spent significant time in 3 cities with various levels of efficient public transit (Chicago, DC & London) and having no access to a car what so ever in at least one of them (London—unless you count being forbidden from driving in the city in highschool, in which case you can throw in DC as well) I can tell you this…not having a car just makes everything, well…shitty. Everything is harder. Running multiple errands, shopping, getting to work on time, getting ANYWHERE on time. Everything just requires so much more planning & work. And you know how I feel about being inconvenienced.
So in many places, Houston’s car dependence would pose parking problems. But Houston isn’t exactly what I would call parking space challenged. There just aren’t that many places I go to where I really really have a hard time parking. So tell me this…what the fuck (sorry its called for) is up with every new place in town blocking off their ample parking and REQUIRING us to use their valet services?! Don’t get me wrong, under the right circumstances, I LOVE to valet. When its cold, when its raining, when I’m wearing heels, when I’m feeling g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s baby (sing it Fergie). I’m happy to drop off my car to save the walk from whatever parking space I could (easily) find on my own. But nothing chaps my hide like when I pull up to a deserted strip mall parking lot only to find a bored looking valet and an orange cone in every damn spot. What is that?! Not to mention, in the one or two places in town that could actually use this service (Chuy’s anyone?) they have yet to catch on!

This reminds me of a story I once heard about a girl in the parking lot of Chuy’s. After waiting patiently for a spot, that was located in a one way only aisle, and pulling in, she looked in her rear view mirror to see a car double parked behind her. After getting out of her car, with her really hot friend, she found herself the subject of a verbal barrage, unlike anything she had ever encountered (and she’d been in some screaming matches before). Apparently this lady had mistakenly believed the spot was hers, despite the fact that a. she was going the wrong way on the aisle and b. the subject of our story was there first. Our lovely subject tried explaining this to the mistaken driver, to no avail. Sensing that she was fighting a losing battle, she just walked off into the restaurant assuming the matter was behind her. However, when later standing outside Chuy’s on the phone, she found herself being yelled at AGAIN. This time by the aggrieved drivers apparent boyfriend. He was going on about being rude, and who did she think she was stealing his girlfriends parking spot and on on. The confused heroine (we are talking about a parking spot after all) was torn between sticking up for herself and being the bigger person. She eventually decided on a comment that went roughly like “Actually I was there first, and besides, she obviously found another spot, so why don’t we all just move on” She refrained from throwing in “Besides your girlfriend is bat-shit crazy” sensing this was somehow petty. The man continued to rant, but the main character decided he’d have to yell at her backside, and departed for the safety of the crowded restaurant. Soon after locating her smoking hot friends (who we might add were both taller than the pint sized DB who refused to let this die) in the bar, she was ready to get on with her night, only to find the aforementioned DB trying to get by her in the crowded walkway and instead of saying excuse me, pushing me, I mean her, out of the way! Now here’s the punch line. Typically she would have just laughed this story off. She had even noticed that the girl had on an engagement ring, and felt a passing sense of sympathy that she had to spend the rest of her life with this asshole. But all that sympathy went away when the guy opened his mouth as he was passing and said…”You dumb C@^t” Now I’m never one to shy away from well placed profanity, but this was over the line. For starters, that word is so gross. And secondly…we are talking about a PARKING SPACE people! Which brings us to the point (yes there is one). Valet service in Houston should be something we could vote on. Yes to Chuy’s (no one needs a repeat of this incident). No to Molina’s on Washington. Yes to the Front Porch Pub on Thursday and B-dub’s in the village. No to anyplace with more parking spaces than tables. Are you with me people?

Now that I have that out of my system, you can go back to work, or guitar hero or DDR or whatever you were doing before. Feel free to respond with how you would have handled the parking spot debacle. (Seriously, we were there first) Thanks for your time.